Ms Alice Liddell of Cambridge Massachusetts today filed a civil suit against one Mr March Hare, whom Ms Liddell accuses of causing her…

“Severe and long lasting trauma of a vaguely Freudian nature” by once leading her down a rabbit hole while the then ten year old Alice was holidaying in England.

“What happened that terrible day has had a drastic effect on my whole life. Within weeks of the incident, I had developed a fear of not only holes in the ground, but also anything else vaguely suggestive of sexual symbolism – i once ran screaming out of a cinema screening Attack of the Clones after seeing Ewan McGregor pulling his light saber out of his pants. On another occasion i refused to travel to New York for my grandmother’s funeral as I was terrified I might catch a glimpse of the Empire State Building. I have also suffered from a fear of carrots and tomatoes which has rendered me incapable of passing a greengrocer’s without bursting into maniacal laughter, and for several years now I have found myself incapable of engaging in sexual relations without thinking of rabbits.”

In his defense, Mr. Hare seemed suspiciously reluctant to speak to the media, preferring instead to distract us from the egregiousness of his crime with a disingenuous twitching of the nose, and an absent minded scratch behind the left ear. Yeah, we all know what that symbolizes, you perverted bastard!

Pic is copyright by Zenoscope, creators of the wonderfully deranged Wonderland series.

During my recent visit to the U.S i had the chance to catch up with some well known faces, one of which was little Lindsay Lohan, who told me that she has grown weary of keeping up the charade and  that she wants the world to finally know the truth.

It seems Lilo’s love life is not quite what we have been led to believe – Samantha Ronson was just a beard, the LA Lakers were just a cover up, as was her application to be David Letterman’s gofer.

Lindsay’s one true love is in fact movie star and morbidly obese crime lord Jabba the Hutt.

“I’ve kept this relationship a secret because I was afraid people wouldn’t understand, what with me being a lesbian and Jabba being a gigantic man-slug. You know how judgmental people can be.”

The two lovebirds met on the set of the Daredevil movie, where Lindsay was auditioning for the part of Elektra and Jabba for the part of the Kingpin, and they immediately hit it off over their shared hatred of Ben Affleck (Jabba claims Affleck once told him his acting was only slightly better than that of Jason Mewes, which greatly offended the Juiliiard-trained Hutt).

It wasn’t long before Jabba asked Lindsay out to Dan Tana’s where the notoriously ravenous leading man proceeded to devour not only several dozen tubs of ravioli, but also the entire salad bar  and two Japanese tourists. Says Lindsay of the incident, “I knew then this would not be an easy relationship, but as Woody Allen once famously said, ‘The heart wants what the heart wants!’”

Lilo’s concerns proved to be well-founded during the pair’s second  date at  Elaine’s, where they were accosted by Carrie Fisher, with whom Jabba had a brief fling during the filming of The Empire Strikes Back. This initial confrontation led to several cat fights which eventually ended with Fisher being sued for ordering lobster at a kosher restaurant.

Jabba and Lilo are  eager to get married but fear their children would be hideous mutants that would never make the cover of Premiere…

“We have considered adopting, but we figure if they won’t let Elton and David do it, what chance do Jabba and i stand?”

Personally i wish this troubled young couple only the best, and have a strange and rather mystical feeling that theirs will turn out to be a Hollywood love story that will outshine those of  Fairbanks and Pickford, Taylor and Burton. Unless of course, Jabba decides to eat Lindsay’s family, in which case the entire thing could turn out to be a public relations nightmare …

A little known member of The Lost Generation  was poet Charles Bowkowski, who was kicked out of the group after biting Ernest Hemingway on the foot.  Hemingway had told Bowkowski that his epic poem “Where The Trees Have No Name.” was nothing more than a cheap imitation of “Under Milkwood”, something which Bowkowski found especially galling given that “Under Milkwood” hadn’t been written yet. 

Bowkowski had settled in Paris after spending two years as part of the Messenger Dog Corps during the First World War. He later wrote in his autobiography “The Fleas And I”, that  “It was mindless slaughter, slaughter and insanity, the battlefields were hell on earth – there were severed dog limbs and squeaky toys everywhere.”

Disgruntled by his treatment after the Hemingway incident, the poet returned  to America, where he became Professor of Comparative Literature and Post-Modern Sophistry at Princeton University. Bowkowski, whose sense of smell had started to fail him, died in 1967 after accidentally eating three pounds of chocolate, having mistaken them for Hemingway’s foot.

Dear Mr Almandine, please find enclosed a photograph of my dog, Sunny Jim.

My dog has been in this rigid position ever since I bought him. He seems very lazy and unresponsive.  This is very disappointing as I was planning on teaching him some fancy tricks.

Please help.

Hank Henderson.

Dear Mr Henderson,

You have bought a stuffed dog, a species notorious for its lethargy. I’m afraid that teaching him any but the simplest of tricks will be very difficult. Next time you buy a dog, hold a mirror up to it’s nose, if the mirror does not fog over the dog is dead and should not be bought.

Hoping i have been of help,

Michael Almandine

Photo modified from a photo copyright by Sea World

After her Teddy Bear was kidnapped young Mindy decided to take matters into her own hands. Digging into her dad’s armory, she grabbed every gun in sight, used a GPS hidden in the little bear’s head to find his captors, detonated some Semtex to blow the hideout’s door off it’s hinges and by the time Cuddles the Bear was back in Mindy’s arms, over twenty bear-hating scuzzbags lay dead.

“I love my Teddy, and anyone who messes with Cuddles messes with me.” she told Mike Wallace in a recent 60 Minutes report. A movie based on Mindy’s shocking case is due soon- read more about it at Empire so that they won’t sue me for using their pic.

Tokyo Zoological Gardens has today proudly welcomed the first Pikachu litter ever born in a zoo.
According to Professor Hiroshi Hondo of the Tokyo Institute For The Study Of Apocryphal Animals, the Pikachu is a native of the Mount Fuji area and has for centuries been revered for its ability to generate not only electricity but also massive amounts of Yen.
According to the Professor, the Pikachu was created by the goddess Izanami as a replacement for her lawn gnomes which had been stolen by the Norse Goddess Hel, who after a drunken night in Valhalla had stumbled into the wrong mythology.  Zookeepers are as yet unaware of the sexes of the babies as every time they go near the litter, mama Pikachu shouts  “Hey, what the fuck ?” and zaps them so hard that they bounce off the enclosure’s wall. Zoo President Mr Tempura Tarakimasu declined to reveal the name of the litter’s father, saying only that he is a well known TV star who wishes to keep the paparazzi away from his family.

Photo is by dogsfather

This spectral creature, seen here in a photo taken by Professor Hiroshi Hondo of Tokyo University during a family picnic, was first made famous in the west by the Lafcadio Hearn story “The Cat That Ate My Hat,” wherein a humble American journalist residing in Okinawa is precipitated into financial ruin by bad gambling advice from a local hat blocker.

In the story, Hearn describes this creature as being the angry spirit of a cat who was always well treated in life, but who spent so much time sleeping that he never had the opportunity to write the great Japanese novel. Embittered by his literary failure the cat now roams the island of Okinawa searching for would-be literati to harass. In 1956 the cat sneered at Yukio Mishima “Osawa hano garatimasu, egawa karatusu!” which translates roughly as “You’ll never win the Nobel, you bastard, so why don’t you just end it all?” or at least this is what Mishima claimed in his suicide note.

Tired of making appearances to unbelievably ugly shepherd children in remote Portuguese pastures, the Holy Virgin has decided to start slumming it in a Californian backwater by the name of  Calexico. An image of the well known religious icon and carpenter’s wife has appeared on a local diner’s griddle while it was being cleaned. The sacred sign from heaven, which bears a suspicious resemblance to a grease stain, was validated the next day by the town priest, who declared it to be a true likeness  of the Sacred Virgin. The fact that the priest, at least according to local rumor, is the illegitimate son of an escaped circus pinhead has discouraged none of the town’s faithful and the griddle has now been taken out of service and turned into a shrine.

Daily the pious and the devout file into the diner to gawk at this heaven-sent proof that when God was handing out the brains, quite a lot of folks were at home still asleep. The diner’s owner, whose wallet has recently shown signs of swelling, was seen kneeling in front of the greasy altar repeatedly mumbling the words “Praise the Lord for the miracle of idiocy!” in what can only be described as a religious ecstasy.

More religious ecstacy to be found here, where you can see a photo of this somewhat lame apparition, and also some Rey Mysterio wannabees looking truly awestruck.

First Lady Michelle Obama has disclosed that the First Family’s newly acquired pet Bo, is suffering from an as yet undiagnosed psychiatric problem. “He’s crazy, he chases cats that aren’t there  and the other day he was raving about how the CIA are using spy satellites to track his movements! The children are afraid that he will soon start wearing a tin foil hat!”

Since the problem became apparent a few weeks ago the children have also been leaving most of the doggie duties to mum, afraid to spend too much time alone with their increasingly disturbed pooch. “He’s definitely not getting any better” says the First Lady. “The meds aren’t helping, and that Scientology course Tom Cruise sent him did more harm than good – now he’s set up a shrine to L. Ron Hubbard in his kennel!” Mrs Obama also made an emotional appeal to the nation’s greatest authority on psychological woes. “Dr Phil, please, please help my dog!He’s going off the rails and if something isn’t done soon i’m afraid he’ll shave his head or release a sex tape!” Dr Phil was unavailable for comment.

Yes, it may look cute to you, but not so to Mr Henry Wienerdog of Pittsburgh, who was recently dismissed from his job as a Coca Cola sales rep after he was  seen by thousands of Internet cute-seekers drinking from two containers, one of which is marked Pepsi. Unfortunately for Mr Wienerdog one  of the people to see this picture on the internet was his boss, who was not at all amused by the sight of his employee appearing to sample the competition’s wares. When Mr Wienerdog turned up for work the following morning he was told his services were no longer required. “I didn’t even touch the other container but nobody believes me,”  the soda loving pooch told us, “I just don’t need this crap during a recession, you know?”  Mr Wienerdog has hired lawyer Allan Dershowitz to represent him. Mr Dershowitz claims this is the greatest violation of a dog’s rights since spaying became legal, and that he will pursue the case to the Supreme Court if necessary.